The Saga Continues

From the slumps of depression to uncovering the light hidden deep within, this is the progress from my old story into my new story.

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

First of all, THANK YOU so much for joining me here! Amidst all of the numerous stimulating content woven into your newsfeeds that is specifically tailored to the interests of your large, voluptuous knowledge-filled craniums, for SOME reason you decided to navigate your way to this tiny baby blog buried deep in some unknown space on the innernette. I've gotta' say how much I appreciate that as I embark down this journey for both my sake and yours.

Since this is the first entry, I will begin by explaining my past, how I made the conscious decision to completely change my life, and how all that ties into the inspiration behind this blog. So yes, this post will be a little lengthy but bear with me.

Backstory.

For roughly 28 years (give or take a few brief moments), I remained in the crippling, lifeless grasps of depression. Being that this was the only view I've ever really had on life, the only time I truly discovered the possibility that I could have a real shot of happiness was when I started taking psychology courses back in college. It was in school that I learned that I had severe depression, social anxiety, ADD — and there were a ton of tools I learned from my classes to handle it all. I tried various band-aid solutions from chemical dependency to hashing out my internal conflicts with therapist after therapist.

...and yet the depression issue still remained strong at its core regardless of how much therapy I had or how frequent my visits were. After years of counseling sessions without reaping any real solutions or happiness, you sort of just accept that this is the way of life. You live, you breathe, you work... then you die! *cue leprechaun kick, smile, and a wink*

That's how my parents live, that's how my grandparents lived, and probably their elders before them... How delightful! Right?? Heh heh, WRONG.

The Decision.

Anyways, so this past September (2017), my ex — who was living in Miami at the time — decided to quit his job and moved back in with his father, which was about an hour from where I was living. The last three years of our relationship had been long distance, and now he was only an hour away as opposed to a 4-hour drive or a 3-hour flight to the Big Apple. My interpretation of this was something along the lines of "FINALLY! Things are going to happen and our lives are going to progress. This is GREAT."

But during the later weeks of that same month, something began to bubble deep within my chest over the course of a few days, getting more and more intense with each passing day. Now, let me explain something; this boiling lava hot bubbly sensation was actually very familiar to me as it had been coming up in my life from time to time for YEARS, and every time it began to surface I would dismiss it because this bubbling was an urge for action, for change. Being the person that I was, a melancholy mortal who completely favored living comfortably and in control than in discomfort and being prone to risk, I always dismissed the negative vibrations and told myself that everything was fine exactly as it was — but not this time. This time I bit the bullet and popped those GOT damb anxiety bubblettes. *pew pew pew*

Even now I still think about why that time was so different from the many other instances where that bubbling urge arrived without invitation. Ultimately, I think it was the combination of successful communication (i.e. me finally realizing what I had been internalizing about my life, and then catapulting it into the universe) and a specific friendship support that, had this formula not been in perfect motion, would not have resulted in the following action that was to come.

Spending about two weeks with this painfully hellish sensation, I finally got tired of feeling it. It had stayed way past its usual "welcome." How long was I really going to run away from this stupid fucking anxiety? I'm not proud of this (nor ashamed), but it's the truth: I have endured every single type and level of emotional pain by way of self-infliction throughout the course of my life, but for some reason this bubbling urgency was getting way out of hand. Either that or perhaps my strength to endure it was finally weakening after many years of being beaten down on.

Regardless of the reason, I realized I had to make a real change in order for the sensation to diminish completely from my life. The more time this anxiety called my chest "home sweet home," the more I realized why it existed within me to begin with. The insane lack of joy in my life that only presented itself in small frothy peaks at random was just not a fulfilling way to live. Long story short, I made the absolute hardest decision of my life to date; I ended my comfy, secure long-term relationship of over 7 years that I dedicated my entire existence to, moved into a house that was at LEAST $400 over my preferred budget (that's not including utilities, by the way), and lived alone independently for the first time eva' — all these big scary things which resulted in a MAJOR boost of happiness in my life. Maybe not in my wallet, but definitely in other areas.

The Sweet Smell of FREEEEDOMMMMMM!!!!!

I've always been that girl who was never single. Never. In fact, the last time I was single before this lasted a duration of one year, from 2009 to 2010. Before that, I was too young to even date. So yeah, I've always hated the single life. But now as an adult with boundless solo flexibility, I was pretty occupied with having fun and enjoying the great privileges that came with being single. Like, for example, literally winning a hip-hop cruise that featured performances and meet-n-greets with Salt-N-Pepa, Biz Markie, Coolio, Naughty By Nature, and several other big names. For anyone who knows me personally knows very well that this kind of event was right up my fucking alley, and I WON ITTTT.

How does that shit even happen?? HOW!? I've been asking myself that and been trying to uncover the mystery to how these crazy little miracles keep happening to me after years and years of living with depression where things like this just simply DO. NOT. HAPPEN. And I have come to believe that, at least in part, it is because of the power of the Law of Attraction. You can call bullshit all you want, and I'll likely go into detail in a separate entry about the Law of Attraction and how it's affected my life, but for now I believe that this is the reason these kinds of things continue to happen to me and any other individual you've known in your life that you've ever considered to be lucky.

The Progress.

To unlearn the struggles of depression and social anxiety over the course of twenty-eight-fucking-years (puuuke) and completely rewire your brain is certainly NOT something that just happens overnight, unfortunately. I am by no means healed from alla' dat. It takes a continuous conscious effort on a daily basis, and you have to focus on varying aspects of your life one aspect at a time. I mean think about it; health, wealth, relationships, work life, spiritual life — there's so many aspects of our lives, and having to improve on each of them can be daunting.

It can become overwhelming because of how completely fucked your beliefs are of how you view life and how you view yourself. And honestly, if I ballpark? Mmmmm, I think this is going to take at least a couple years for me to become the person I want to be — the person I am destined to be. I've been reading and researching and growing every single day. I've been meditating, putting myself out there to meeting new people, (er, "networking" anyone?), and strengthening my connection with source energy. And I've gotta say, even though it can can get real heavy at times, I'm impressed by how much I've already progressed since starting this journey. It hasn't even been a full year yet and I've changed so much. SO. MUCH.

Conclusion.

So basically, I am literally just a person going through being a person. Trying to become a better, more comfortable one, honestly. I've loathed existing for quite a while, and since I don't fancy the idea of death just yet, I have come to the conclusion that it's probably a good idea to become better at being a person and gaining more enjoyment of life than just accepting the purposeless existence like I've been doing. My priority in life right now for the first time ever is my happiness, and so far it's proven to be an excellent decision. Not only has it been magnificent, but it's been full of little (and BIG) surprising rewards, as mentioned earlier. 

The action of making a completely conscious decision to get the fuck out of the depressive bouts has proven to be the second hardest thing I have ever done, and am still continuing to do. I mean shit, it took 28 years — it's no simple alteration. It's not as if there's this switch in your brain, otherwise so many people wouldn't be so depressed. It's definitely something you have to find out for yourself and apply conscious effort into changing.

I mean so many exciting things have been happening in my life and continue to happen since I started changing myself. I've been receiving really positive feedback on the little things I post on social media from so many people that I've been inspired to think of a way to channel my positive process through a larger approach than just a couple paragraphs under a picture. So this blog is just me documenting my learning process of how to be a better person and have a better life.

And for the record, I have never been on this level of happy. Ever. Ever ever ever. I know too many people who feel that same way, and sharing this experience is a huge part to helping others in the depression struggle.

Writing also gives me the chance to meditate on things that have happened, dwell with them, and digest them before putting it into practice and applying it fully. And though this blog is a therapeutic process for me, it also serves as a learning option for you. I do believe that making this public and keeping the conversation open and available for further discussion about my own views of coming from the depths of an eternal depressive state is important to share, otherwise I would not share it. I also do not expect this blog to blow up in popularity since that is not my goal here. My goal is my own self-improvement and to share my story in hopes that it helps someone else in their own journey, because depression can suck a big fat slinky D.

If this is something you'd like to continue reading, please do! I would like that very much. I love writing and haven't done so in a very long time so excuse the rustiness as I begin. And if not, I appreciate that you read this at all. Either way, I declare this new aspect of my journey and I extend my thanks to you for expressing an interest :)