Social [de]Activation

Signing off from social media and how I came to the decision to go off the grid.

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” — Eckhart Tolle

The process of finally discovering oneself, crafting your core beliefs, and becoming the being you want to be while you're in your late twenties is about as challenging as trying to organize a set of ingredients that have already been processed through a blender — and your physical abilities have been reduced to less than half the speed of a sloth. It's frustrating, it's time consuming, and involves a FUCK ton of patience.

The elements within the blender include a myriad of emotions, beliefs, and personality traits. And one can only wonder — have these things been too processed and morphed beyond repair? Am I able to properly disassemble and restructure each content of my being without my patience completely exploding from my lack of ability to speedily and accurately reorganize and rebuild myself? My feelings, my guts, and existence is this collective smearing chaos that has never been properly defined as an adult. As I try to define each element, I want to do so with such speed but this tactic has been proven to be factually impossible, though I habitually try to do so over and over and over. 

So a little update — I've been going through a spiritual journey between myself and God/the universe, and lately I've been having a very difficult time with handling the chaos explained above. After much attempted meditation (keyword ATTEMPTED), I have come to the conclusion to remove myself from social media outlets, one-by-one. There are several factors to why I have to disconnect, but collectively the reason is the same: it's a major distraction.

It is now very clear to me that social media is the top contributor to a majority of my distractions, all of which cause negative thoughts that keep me from succeeding at the next step in my spiritual and personal growth. Whether these thoughts are ones of comparing myself to someone else in some way or another, or I'm engaging in content that I used to think served me well but no longer does, I now realize that not only is social media a distraction for me but it has become this entertainment source that I never realized affected me in such a way that has completely blocked me from achieving a steady, more ideal pace of growth. 

And this all extends far beyond social media. Currently, I am not drinking alcohol, I'm not drinking caffeine, and I've been steering clear of anything negative because of how much it shakes my soul. I mean I can't even watch things that conjure feelings of a minor negative nature. For example, I can't watch my FAVORITE TV series without being absorbed into a negative bubble that ruins my spirit — the new Making a Murderer season? Can't watch it. Or Breaking Bad? Yeah, I can't watch that either, which is SO fucking crazy because I've watched the entire Breaking Bad series every year once a year since its season finale in 2013, a tradition I began based on the sole fact that it is the greatest drama series of all time (yes, yes it is). But the universe is telling me something, and I realize that right now I need to focus on silence so I can hear more clearly, gain inner peace, and work on self-acceptance before I can truly indulge in my favorite pleasantries of life again.

The first thing I started purging was caffeine. Once I started cutting that out, I began to notice things about my physical body — things I would not normally have noticed due to the over-stimulation that I've slowly surrounded myself with over the years (internet content, caffeine, unhealthy obsessions, etc). Firstly I noticed how a single cup of coffee affected my body on a surface level, with unwanted effects like migraines, physical jitters, extreme anxiety, sleepless nights, and major crashes. After slowly decreasing my coffee intake, it was clear that it's effects on my physical body were not worth an existence engulfed with dysfunction, so I switched to the next best thing; black tea!

After a couple months of drinking black tea, I noticed I couldn't even finish an 8 ounce cup without getting a headache, so I decided to ditch that too... and voila! Now I am essentially caffeine-free, only allowing myself to drink it on an as-needed basis, typically somewhere between as little as one or two cups a month.

When I tell people what I am doing, they're either in shock or disbelief: "HOW on EARTH do you function?!", or "I'm sorry, what did you just say?", and the straight up "I don't believe you." And I get it. I didn't think that shit was possible working in the corporate world either. But it is.

As I reflect on how I even started getting hooked on caffeine, all roads of explanation lead back to one thing: my job.

• I need caffeine to stay awake, alert, and focused to do my job.

• I need caffeine to stay at a stable basic human function in order to perform my job.

• I need caffeine to stay awake at my job because I didn't sleep that well the night before. Or every other night for the last 3 years since I got hired.

The fact that I need caffeine to perform basic functions at my job, let alone life, makes me think it's in my best interest that I NOT be at that job. So I've come to the realization that if my job is so stressful to the point of needing ANY kind of substance to function, then maaaybe I should consider looking elsewhere for work. And I currently happen to be blessed with a low-stress job, so the timing for this cleanse couldn't be more perfect. And so to answer the question of how I'm functioning without caffeine? By the grace and perfect timing of the universe is the real answer. 

Shortly after I ditched caffeine, I started to unconsciously ditch other things, like alcohol. The act of quitting caffeine is me gaining more mental clarity to better understand myself within and to digest the teachings the universe has for me, but me quitting alcohol is more of me letting go of my comfort blanket.

Alcohol has always been the thing I hid myself behind in ALL social situations because I don't believe that others will accept me for who I truly am without it... a massive lie indeed, I know, but this core belief (still struggling with, btw) has been so hard wired and indestructible throughout my life that I've carried it into adulthood from childhood. That's roughly 20-something years, folks. Rewiring a belief held that long ain't easy to unravel and reprogram. So when I decided to give up drinking entirely, it was ultimately the decision to take on the challenge of finally accepting myself. 

Of course I say all this cleansing stuff as it applies to my life and my life alone. I don't think everyone should just jump the caffeine ship and begin a cleanse, however it might be necessary depending on where you are in your journey. Sometimes life tends to get a little too loud and you need to step back and take time to figure out what's a little too overstimulating for you, figure out what the source of the volume is specifically, and take action to significantly decrease, if not cut it off entirely depending on what your needs are in order to get to where you want to go in your journey of wherever it is you're trying to go in your life. 

This whole year has been one of self-discovery and I am still solidifying what it is I truly believe about life based on my personal human experience. I have the feeling that maybe this sounds kinda strange for some people my age, but given the last decade of my life and how it was spent, it makes complete sense how I have not come to a solid conclusion with, and of, myself. I've carried false beliefs into adulthood that originated in childhood and developed relationships with fellow adults who only made those beliefs appear to be more truthful to me so yeah, this healing process is going to take a little longer than I expected.

As I shy away, I will be engaging in heavy daily meditation, writing, cycling, and fine tuning my connection to God/the universe and my intuition. Along the way, I hope to find exactly what I need to find to advance me to the place I aim to go. That place hasn't yet been fully defined, but I do know that it involves a best friend/husband, traveling, my dream career, and financial ease. The duration of this hermit process is unknown, but I believe God has perfect timing.

So to you dear readers, thank you for taking the time to read and be a part of this journey. Healing is not easy, especially when the damage done was over the course of a lifetime — it's little things like reading my entries that keeps one going, so I really do appreciate it. I am very open to comments and discussions as it will force me out of my comfort zone. We're in this thing called life together and there's always something to be learned from one another. So thank you for caring.